Tian Tian’s 87% pass accuracy? More like an AI dream fueled by espresso and existential dread. He’s not playing football—he’s running a Bayesian algorithm disguised as a winger who dodges trauma via table tennis drills. Meanwhile, German coaches are sipping chamomade while his PTSD nightmares auto-update to U19 promotion. If this isn’t tactical genius… what is? A 63% higher success rate than Europe? Yeah… and I’m still waiting for my caffeine fix.

P.S. Should we trade his mental health for a free transfer? Or just buy him another stadium?